I wish I could punch you in the face.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
