So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
