I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
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My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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