I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
