He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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