clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
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I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
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You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
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