at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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