Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
