Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
