There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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