Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
