I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You ate ashes out of my bong
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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