My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
