apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
