i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
