Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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