so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
