He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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