His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
