Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
