she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
