when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She needs sedatives and a leash
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
