i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Shitshow foam night was such a success
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
40s are totally the cure
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
