I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
