Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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