do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
