I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
