So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
only you would photoshop your dick
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
