im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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