we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he was CRYING into my vagina
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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