I love black thongs
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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