On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
