I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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