I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize