There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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