you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
