i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
