Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
