Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
