i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
