So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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