I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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