My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
