I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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