considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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