At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.