my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme