I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
