Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
