If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
