considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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