Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
