Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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