3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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