In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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