I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
