I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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