he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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