Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
